I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
