I puked a lego.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Randomize
