2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
