I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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