I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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