somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
