I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
