I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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