No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
