Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
