You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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