At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize