I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
