He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
