wrigley field is MILF paradise
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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