I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
