Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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