Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
