Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
