i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
