Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
