there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
