i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
