I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
