I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize