My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
