I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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