He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
