u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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