I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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