One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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