Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
