So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
