also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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