I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
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