Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
