as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
how drunk are you?
Several
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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