Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize