final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
This is the high leading the old right now
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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