Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
