Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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