Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
