She's like a pop up book from hell.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
