woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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