Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
