I'll bet she douches with gravy.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
