peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
