I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
