Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
