im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
