btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
