I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
