You made me cry and you don't even care
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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