i was born a porn star she said
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
