I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
