I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
