I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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